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LEARNED FROM THE BEST: 2 of
my mom's brothers, Alex and Stellie
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The first dirty joke I ever heard a grownup tell came courtesy
of my mother’s brother, Angus Joe MacIsaac. It happened more than 50 years ago but left
such an impression that even today, if you phone me, I can tell you the joke. It was about women wearing burlap undies.
I was probably six. We were in Angus Joe's living room, just me, him and his brother — my Godfather — Hugh.
Not only was it the first dirty joke I’d heard an adult tell, it was the first sign I got that there exists—in the same book
of universal truths that says “No April
Fools’ Jokes After Noon” — An Uncle’s Code of Conduct.
I know this because I had the best uncles possible. My
father Tom’s super generous brother Ed was a constant in our life growing up in
Sudbury; and my mom’s brothers Angus, Hugh, Alex and Stellie were always there
for us, in body as well as in spirit.
(And spirits, plural, if you
catch my drift.) Also, we had my aunts’ husbands. I won’t list them here
because it’d take up too much space. They weren’t related by
blood but still — uncles we could count on.
With that, and in recognition of Monday, February 18th
being the Province of Ontario’s annual “Family Day Holiday,” I have produced
the following:
The Uncle’s 10 Commandments.
1.
Thou shalt see no faults in thy nephews and/or
nieces;
2.
Thou shalt brag about thy nieces and nephews whenever thou gets a chance;
3.
Thou shalt keep thy nephews’ and nieces’ secrets,
if they want you to. Like if they smoketh cigarettes and desireth to not let on to
their folks, you must let them.
4.
Thou shalt give nephews and nieces money if they
need it;
5.
Thou shalt lay a little cash on them even if they don’t need
it, too, sometimes;
6. It goeth without saying that thou shalt always pick up
the tab when you go out with them;
7.
Thou shalt allow your nephews or nieces the useth of your vehicle;
8.
Thou shalt aid and abet their artistic
endeavours. When I was in university and living with my aunt Leona, we
were at her kitchen table one night drinking beer and I happened to be doodling
on a piece of paper. She said “Peter! You’re an artist.” Nobody before or since
suggested I had any flair for drawing. I’ve clung to Leona’s comment like a
drowning man clings to a life raft. And yes, I know, Leona wasn’t technically an uncle. But turns out these commandments are gender
neutral. Leona — my dad’s sister — was the Nadia Comaneci of aunting; she by whom all other aunts should be measured and deserving of not only her own blog
entry but maybe a book on how to aunt. But I digress.)
9.
Thou shalt NOT expect nephews or nieces to pay any
attention to you unless they want to; they have more important things to do for
Pete’s sake and are not obliged to worry about their old uncles and aunts.
10. But and this one's most important of them all — on the off chance that your nephew
and/or niece pays any attention to you whatsoever — thou shalt consider thyself the luckiest
S.O.B. on the planet.
