Wednesday, July 1, 2020

Pete's Acme Canada Day Crossword Puzzle Story

I just made, from scratch--really--a blank Excel spreadsheet and a bunch of  bad puns--this Canada Day crossword puzzle. When I was younger, the devil found work for my idle hands? These days? Not so much. The crossword puzzle clues are in the story. Happy Canada Day everybody!

A few years ago, I visited my niece in The 11D (and yes, we nipped over to cross-border shop in Michigan) but flew back to Toronto and landed at Billy Bishop 6D at high 10D. That evening, I had plans to go to the 18A or whatever it’s called these days—maybe 12A something—to see Shania 17D. Guess who was in the arrivals area? None other than the orange-turbaned politician 16A just in from 7D (I hope he didn’t think I was 5D I couldn’t remember his last name. He just 15D and shook hands. Speaking of celeb sightings, I once spotted Michael 22A on Yonge street. He was like, “junowme?” Another time, I ran into a well-known comic, went over, and said “I’m Peter, and…” but he cut me off and said “Nice to meet you, Pete,” so I was like, “Nice to meet you …20A!” Speaking of names, did you know that lovely Mennonite-rich town 12D isn’t actually called after somebody who’s been canonized? True fact. It was just one of the earliest settlers’ first name! They added the holy part to make it sound pretty. Which reminds me. After I’m through with this colossal waste of brain power, I shall pour my energy into composing an extremely simple tribute to a War of 1812 hero called “The 2D C-chord Blues.” And I just found out those eponymous candy stores are owned by a couple of Quebec guys! There’s still some seriously Canadian product out there! I wonder if the main ingredient in their 1A products comes from Quebec, which is also, by the way, home to the fleetest-of-foot 4D rollers on the planet. Come to think of it, I’m certainly glad Canada held its own in that 1812 war. Otherwise, we might be the 51st state and although I have endless admiration for all the Americans I know personally, if they’d won, we’d probably have to pony up a mitt full of twonies every time we go to the 1D. (I know a lot of folks who would 19D all day about that). What’s more, the world would never have had an 8A at Come From Away! Our Home Depot flyers would be delivered by somebody besides trusty ol’ 9A; if we were lost in France and a direction-giver told us to turn 13A or 14D, we wouldn’t understand and might end up driving into the Mediterranean 21D. Or when your Plymouth beater cacks out up near Fort Mac, 3A, you couldn’t summon those automotive guardian angels 22D! And finally, we wouldn’t be able to claim musicians and tasty treats such as 23A as our home and native brands.

No comments:

Post a Comment