(p.s. I'm @petesbandg)
My wife of several decades says we should get a banner for the back of our car that reads "Just Married" cuz "Just" is also a synonym for "barely."
My brother Tom, a retired underground miner on safety: "Is mining dangerous? I dunno. Death rate's the same everywhere....one per capita." |
Me.
Single. At a party. Saw baby in a room. Wondered what'd be like to be a dad. So
I gave it $20 and said "You really need this light on?"
22 down; 2 to go. How blowing the guts out of eggs relates to Jesus rising from the dead escapes me completely |
Hear
about the metal band that plays the same song over and over and over cuz it's
never quite good enough? They're called OC/DC.
Has anybody checked to see if Putin's first name really isn't Ras? |
Cops are looking for a
escaped prisoner; He was doing time for bestiality. He's been on the
lam for days.
Incoming joke: Plane crash
in California. 100s killed. Searchers find black box. They hear the last words
the pilot says: "Too soon?"
If they want to find a lost peacock, they have to issue an amber, orange, blue, green, red, teal, yellow, and
silver alert.
Just stood up to talk at a
meeting and realized I forgot to wear pants to work today.. is that what they
call Livin' The Dream?
English is amazing. Laughter and
Daughter are only one consonant apart; My daughters make me dafter. With laughter.
You know your
preschooler's hanging with a tough crowd if--when you say "say
please,"--he's like "guilty and not guilty."
Still in Charlottetown. Can I measure the circumference of the island using PEI R squared? |
H: "Please stop by
Costco to buy kitty litter & milk." M: "If we just traded our 2
cats for a cow we'd never have to go to Costco again."
What
religion are most heavy-duty technicians? Diagnostic?
You never know if our
main-floor toilet's going to flush well or not. It's always a crap shoot. Or
should that be chute?
One hour and 45 minutes
from my bed to the F97 departure lounge at Terminal One in Pearson. That was
fast! And quite a Departure!
David Menzies: "When small-town djs play the Edmund Fitzgerald , it's because they're taking a extra long bathroom break.' |
I used to be dyslexic but
now I'm mornal.
My New Year's Resolution:
Play more C, F, and G chords. Ask not what country can do for you but what you
can do for country.
Why do priests and ministers
wear colourful clothes for services? Huge altar-egos?
"Eddie. Come in. Sit
for a spell. We're playing Scrabble."
I hate having unwelcome
insects in the kitchen. Time ain't fun when you're having flies.
Flu got. Difficult smart to
work when. My drugs on brain.
Why do they call it
fasting when it makes time slow down so?
In a restaurant with a
password protected wi-fi. I told them the password should be "OnlyCheapskatesDon'tTip."
When will somebody finally invent the wind-powered car? It seems like such an obvious and cheap use of wind energy. |
Besides copyright, what
else will be obsolete in 100 years? Hope they don't replace internal combustion
motors with external combustion ones
My wife wants me to buy a
new windbreaker. Does that mean she wants me to break even more wind?
Laziness walks in my
family.
If you have a crush on your
pastor do you get pulpitations?
The Life story of Ravi Shankar: From Ragas to Riches |
Woman at work as I exit
office: "Are you off?" Me: "No I just smell that way." Her:
"I grew up with brothers. I get it."
Just
realized I'm of the age when I order a club sandwich, mostly looking forward to
the 4 toothpicks that come with it.
Who decided not to put the
comma in years? I mean, it's really 2,013, no?
.
Spellcheck ALERT: if you type thong instead of thing, spellcheck will not alert you, Your message "Show me your new thong" gets sent |
She keeps saying she's going
to phone her friends but doesn't. She should join I'll call aholics Anonymous.
Damn,less than 15 hours into
New Year's I already broke 2 resolutions. 1: to not drink before 6; and 2: if I
do, not tell the world about it
As ye rip so shall ye sew.
In a music store in Toronto today. Me: "Do you have accordions?" Clerk: "Sorry sir we only sell musical instruments." |
Off course Bernie's name was
Madoff. Cuz that's what he did with other people's money.
Wife's awake fretting about sick mom, work, bills, taxes. I'm awake worried I can't come up with a joke beginning for the answer "Car Pool Tunnel syndrome."
Ria
rules. My answer: "Car pool tunnel syndrome" Ria's question: "What do
you get when you cross a covered bridge with commuting secretaries?"
I failed math more times
than I can count.
Why do
men make more typos than women? Male pattern badness?
Is saying bye-bye a tautology?
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